As the holidays approach, this time can be full of both joy and anxiety with the thought of seeing family. Especially after last year putting most celebrations on pause, you may be feeling heightened emotions this year. It’s important to understand that you can set personal boundaries with family this year while still being present and able to find joy.
This article will explore how you can set healthy personal boundaries with your family this year, without sacrificing your enjoyment of the holiday season.
Don’t Feel Like You Have to Answer Every Personal Question
If you don’t keep in contact with your family throughout the year, the holidays may mean an onslaught of unwarranted personal questions. It can get frustrating and overwhelming to constantly field questions about your relationship status, current employment, or political feelings.
You likely have a good idea of some of the personal questions your family typically asks, so try to think through these ahead of time and be prepared. If you feel comfortable doing so, prepare humorous and confident responses. If you seem surprised by your family’s questions, this may open up the possibility for them to try to share their “advice”.
Other ways you can respond to personal questions include:
- Change the subject. Set your boundary, then suggest something else to discuss. “I don’t want to discuss my relationship right now. Let’s talk about something positive going on in your life.”
- Use “I” statements. Instead of criticizing those around you, use “I” statements to explain your boundaries and how you feel. “I’m working on being more positive and I feel uncomfortable when anyone speaks to me in such a negative way.”
- Be consistent. This can be challenging, but it may be the most effective way to improve conversations with your family. If you’re okay talking about your relationships/job/politics sometimes, it will be harder to avoid those conversations in other situations. Instead, make it clear that you don’t want to talk about these topics and hold your ground.
- Reframe your thinking. Remember that no matter what your family asks or suggests you should do with your life, it reflects more on them than you. You’re your own person — don’t let your family influence your self-view.
Select Topics You Feel Comfortable Discussing
If you’re uncomfortable discussing personal topics with your family, consider coming prepared with topics you are comfortable chatting about. Don’t feel like you need to prepare flashcards or speaking notes, just have a few ideas in the back of your mind that you can bring up when needed.
Some “safe” conversations could be around:
- Discuss something new you learned this year
- A recent movie/TV series you enjoyed
- Your favorite quarantine meal you made
- Your (or your family’s) pets
- Quarantine hobbies you’ve adopted
- Where you want to visit after COVID
It can also help to bring a friend as a buffer. Then, you have someone to talk to during awkward silences. Plus, people tend to be on their best behavior around new people, which may help avoid conflict or uncomfortable conversations.
Celebrate Elsewhere if You’re Worried Your Family Won’t Respect Boundaries
Especially after COVID-19 ruined most holiday plans last year, you may feel it’s extra important to spend this year with your family. If you want to spend time with your family but are worried they won’t respect your boundaries, consider setting a predetermined time limit for how long you’ll stay. You can make up an excuse for why you have to leave or just make it clear you will only be staying for so long. Further, you can plan on taking breaks throughout the day to yourself. Having a few minutes to recuperate can make it easier to continue spending time with your family.
If you feel comfortable spending time with your family, that’s great. However, it’s important to understand that if you don’t want to, you’re not obligated to celebrate with your family. If family members make you feel uncomfortable, ostracized, embarrassed, or otherwise extremely upset, to the point where even an hour or two would impact your mental health, don’t feel like you need to visit them this holiday season.
You’re more than justified in wanting to spend the holidays with people who are important to you. If you feel your family won’t respect your boundaries or will intentionally make you uncomfortable, feel empowered by the opportunity to spend your time elsewhere.
Challenge Yourself
The holidays can be stressful. Especially after you may not have been able to celebrate last year, there is a lot of pressure surrounding this year’s festivities. If you often have a hard time with family gatherings, don’t go into this season unprepared. Explore topics you can have at the ready and consider how you can make the holidays most enjoyable for you. This year, don’t resent yourself or your family — explore ways you can enjoy your company without sacrificing yourself.
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