As an adult, it can be difficult to make new friends and maintain existing friendships. You may have realized that you have a hard time staying in touch with your friends when you don’t get to see them at work or school every day.
In fact, studies show that friend groups expanded until young adulthood, then began steadily decreasing throughout adulthood.
With social distancing, it’s been increasingly difficult to stay connected with your friends. This time has forced us all to be a lot more intentional about our relationships, including scheduling Zoom calls to reconnect and reaching out more often via text.
Below are our top tips for making friends in your 20s and 30s.
Evaluate your existing friends.
Before you go expanding your friend group, take stock of your existing connections and make sure you have both the time and mental energy to support expanding your friend group. Is your current friend group supportive? Do they bring you happiness? We cover more tips for qualities to look for in your ideal friends in our article on Building Your Support Network. If your current friends don’t meet the standards we’ve mentioned, it may be time to add some new friends to your world part ways.
If your existing squad does meet those standards, but you’re not as close as you want to be, consider investing more effort in improving your existing relationships before working to expand your circle. Here’s a helpful list of tips you can implement to reconnect with your friends. Friendships — like all relationships — take work.
If you focus solely on quantity, you’ll be disappointed by the lack of depth in your relationships and may still feel lonely much of the time. In fact, a study by evolutionary psychologist, Robin Dunbar, found that the average number of meaningful and stable relationships you can maintain at once is 150.
Trying to make friends after your teenage years can be nerve-racking.
Building your self-confidence can help you approach new relationships with a positive mindset. Without the sense of community that comes from school or the workplace, you have to be much more deliberate about making friends.
Evaluate what matters most to you.
Friendships are a major investment of time. In order to get the most out of your relationships, start by evaluating what matters most to you at this point in your life. Look for relationships that support your goals and are connected to your interests.
“I’m 22, I used to be a loner when I was younger and struggled with [making friends]. The way I made friends was mostly reconnecting with old classmates or by getting to know people in newly found interests and hobbies. Honestly having something you are passionate about and finding people who are as passionate as you is one of the easiest ways to meet people.” (Reddit)
Eradicate your fears of rejection.
Take the initiative to regularly put yourself out there. Whether that’s reaching out to colleagues and asking to grab coffee or lunch (you can do this virtually, too!) or joining new groups, you’ll be surprised by how many people are open to the idea of connecting. If you’re not sure where to start, here are a few places you can spend time at to forge new relationships:
- Community centers
- Your local library, book clubs, or book stores
- Coffee shops
- Sports clubs
- Religious groups or culture clubs
- Online forums
It helps to consider that most other people are just as nervous about making new friends as you are. By taking it upon yourself to make the first move, you’ve made it easier on both of you. It can be easy to get caught up in your own thoughts and worry about other people’s perceptions of you. In fact, research shows that people systematically underestimate how much others like them following a conversation. Instead of getting in your own head, assume people like you.
Another important consideration is the Spotlight Effect. This phenomenon highlights why you shouldn’t worry too much about little mistakes made in an interaction. While it’s easy for you to pick up on every minute faux pas you may have committed, other people probably didn’t even notice them.
“I don’t actually care for a lot of social interaction but I find that being myself and enjoying people for all their different quirks kind of helps them gravitate toward me.” (Reddit)
The worst thing that can happen when you ask someone to hang out again or to grab their phone number to reconnect later is that they’ll say no. And, ultimately, that has nothing to do with you and is more likely related to timing and a disconnect in stages of life. In a vast majority of cases, it’s not personal.
“I remember feeling hurt and wondering if I had done something wrong when many of my friends seemed to be drifting away physically, emotionally, or both. In reality, it had nothing to do with me and was just part of growing up and moving into life as an adult.” (Michelle Clark)
Be a great friend.
In order to make and keep friends, you need to be a good friend yourself. That includes being a great listener and asking thoughtful questions about your friends. You also need to be comfortable getting vulnerable and sharing personal information about yourself. You don’t need to share too much, but it’s important to talk about deeper topics than the weather or the latest sports game.
Reach out regularly, even if they haven’t in a while. It’s easy to feel frustrated that your friends aren’t texting you, but phones go both ways and they may be feeling the same. Instead of assuming the worst, assume the best and reach out anyway.
A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself, “have I invested enough for my friends to call me a standup person?” To take it to the next level, you can ask yourself, “have I done enough to be invited to their wedding one day?” We’re not saying to always give in a friendship — relationships should always be a two-way street — rather, giving will lead to a much more meaningful friendship.
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